my story

TODAY,  I’M IN LOVE WITH MY LIFE AND ALL THAT I HAVE CREATED FOR MYSELF.

I’m proud of the person I’ve become, the things I’ve achieved, and feel blessed to have experienced so many amazing moments and opportunities throughout my lifetime. I’m grateful for having beautiful people to share my life with, who inspire, uplift and support me unconditionally, and who have played such a meaningful role in shaping the person I am.

It’s easy to say all of this now. After years of soul searching I’ve opened my mind, expanded my awareness, and learnt to change my perspective of myself and the world around me. I’m finally happy with who I am.
BUT I HAVEN’T ALWAYS FELT LIKE THIS.
I’ve come a long way from the person I used to be, and I want to let you know you can too. 

From the outside, it looked like I had it together. 

I was friends with everyone and always out and about. I was the bubbly, friendly girl who was overly nice to everybody she met and always seemed so happy. But that was far from the truth. Deep down I absolutely hated myself. In my mind I was just the fat, ugly girl. The token friend that everyone needed to have in their group to make themselves look better. Even when people would say lovely things about me or shower me with compliments, I’d brush them off, thinking they were lying and just saying it to be nice. I was always doing everything for everyone, trying to please them to get them to like me, and would be devastated if anything ever happened that made me feel otherwise. 

It wasn’t easy being surrounded by stunning friends, who seemed to be able to eat whatever they wanted without putting on weight. I’d always struggled with my body image, all the way back since primary school, and was constantly comparing myself to every girl who crossed my path. I’d eat so much crap, then get to the point where I was so mad at myself that I’d go from one extreme to the other, following stupid, restrictive diets that made me feel miserable and guilty whenever I ate something ‘bad’. I avoided some social situations because I was “trying to eat healthy” and didn’t want to feel judged by everyone else. If I did end up going out and eating something that I wasn’t ‘allowed’ or ’supposed’ to, I would get myself into such a hysterical state that I’d just shut down because it was easier than facing the pressure of striving to be skinny and knowing that I never would be.

The thing that hurt the most was not having a boyfriend, when everyone else around me did. Most weekends I’d go out partying with my friends, get myself drunk and see all these amazing girls around me with guys chasing after them. I’d turn into a blubbering mess and want to go home early so I could hide away from the world and plot my own funeral. Some days I’d spend hours just lying in my bed, crying for no particular reason, filled with so much hate for myself and not knowing what to do. 

I so desperately wanted to have that thing that everyone else seemed to have.

Someone to want me. To spend time with me. To love me.

But I didn’t deserve this. I wasn’t good enough. Who on earth would want me?

For so many years, I put myself through this crap. The constant stream of self-critical thoughts playing over and over in my mind was slowing destroying me, and not a day went by where I wouldn’t beat myself up internally about something ridiculous. Focusing all of my thoughts and attention on the parts of my life that I hated and wanted to change only made my problems worse. This destructive pattern needed to stop. I was wasting so much time and energy thinking horrible things about myself, but for what? Why was I doing this to myself and putting myself under so much pressure and stress?

I just wanted to feel loved and accepted.
Reflecting back, the funny thing is, I already was and always had been. Everyone around me could already see how beautiful and amazing I was. But I was the only one who couldn’t. No wonder I wasn’t attracting anyone into my life when I didn’t love myself first. 
I’ve come to realise that this is the thing that matters the most. 
You can have the best body, a gorgeous face, eat the healthiest diet, thrash yourself at the gym everyday, own beautiful clothes, or be the most outgoing girl anyone could meet, but unless you love and accept yourself as you are now, none of that external stuff matters. Not one bit. No amount of those things will bring you lasting happiness and contentment. Sure, they’ll have their moments, but sooner or later you’ll be sitting alone and have to face your inner feelings.
So how did I get here?
After high school, I wasn’t exactly sure what I wanted to do with my life, like most other 18 year olds. But I did what I thought I should do- headed straight to uni. I liked kids and my mum was a teacher, so I ended up studying a Bachelor of Early Childhood Education. While teaching for a few years, I had this knowing all along that it wasn’t the right thing for me. I could see the passion and excitement so many other teachers had for their jobs, and I definitely didn’t have that. 
MY HEART JUST WASN’T IN IT, SO I TRUSTED MY FEELINGS AND STARTED TO SEARCH FOR SOMETHING MORE.
I became really interested and passionate about natural health and healthy eating and I completely overhauled my lifestyle. My eyes were opened up and I was so intrigued by this world that it felt natural to continue down this path, so I began studying to become a Naturopath. At first I was really loving it, and was absolutely killing it in the marks department, but towards the end of the first year something just didn’t feel right again, and I started to not care as much. I realised that I loved being immersed in the field of natural health and healing, but I was frustrated with the way the scientific world solely focuses on separate parts, rather than a holistic view, and I was more open to explore energetic and spiritual philosophies. 
After wrestling with my feelings, I decided to listen to my intuition and stop my degree, which turned out to be the perfect decision. Panicked and desperately searching for something else to be able to do with my life, I wanted to sign up to dozens of courses and workshops because I was so interested in them all and didn’t know what to choose. I found myself constantly reading, exploring and searching for inspiration everywhere, wanting to fill myself up with knowledge and an understanding of how we can all live better lives, in harmony with the planet. I wanted to keep growing and expanding, and became fascinated with learning about our subconscious minds and the power of our thoughts and emotions. This lead me to study to become a Mind Detox Practitioner, as well as study Australian Bush Flower Essences, both of which I absolutely love!
One afternoon I happened to come across The Beautiful You Life Coaching Course through the Beautiful You Coaching Academy, and I instantly knew it was for me.
Finally, here it was. I had found my passion!
Literally within a few hours of discovering the course I signed up, and haven’t looked back! Through life coaching, I can inspire other young women to overcome those feelings of self-doubt, overwhelm and unworthiness that once too consumed my life, and help them transform their relationship with themselves.
This year I also began studying to become a Holistic Counsellor and Complementary Therapist, but currently have put that on hold as I realised I was overwhelming myself and needed to slow down and do what was best for my wellbeing. On top of the stress of going through the motions of trying to figure out who I am deep down, and what really drives me, I’ve moved towns, cities and states several times in a couple of years, secretly always hoping that I would find the place where I truly belong. Again, I’ve come to understand that no physical place will bring me complete happiness, and that I need to learn to feel at home within myself. 
I’M NOT PERFECT, AND I DON’T TRY TO BE.
There are days where I feel like crap, have mean thoughts about myself, act judgementally, eat ‘bad’ foods, and react unnecessarily when people trigger me, but I’ve created an awareness around this and make conscious choices to shift my outlook and feel better about myself. 
I’m still learning, growing and expanding every single day, and I would love for you to do the same for yourself and join me on this beautiful journey!
YOU ARE THE CREATOR OF YOUR OWN REALITY. 
Heidi x