TODAY, I’M IN LOVE WITH MY LIFE AND ALL THAT I HAVE CREATED FOR MYSELF.
I’m proud of the person I’ve become, the things I’ve achieved, and feel blessed to have experienced so many amazing moments and opportunities throughout my lifetime. I’m grateful for having beautiful people to share my life with, who inspire, uplift and support me unconditionally, and who have played such a meaningful role in shaping the person I am.
From the outside, it looked like I had it together.
I was friends with everyone and always out and about. I was the bubbly, friendly girl who was overly nice to everybody she met and always seemed so happy. But that was far from the truth. Deep down I absolutely hated myself. In my mind I was just the fat, ugly girl. The token friend that everyone needed to have in their group to make themselves look better. Even when people would say lovely things about me or shower me with compliments, I’d brush them off, thinking they were lying and just saying it to be nice. I was always doing everything for everyone, trying to please them to get them to like me, and would be devastated if anything ever happened that made me feel otherwise.
It wasn’t easy being surrounded by stunning friends, who seemed to be able to eat whatever they wanted without putting on weight. I’d always struggled with my body image, all the way back since primary school, and was constantly comparing myself to every girl who crossed my path. I’d eat so much crap, then get to the point where I was so mad at myself that I’d go from one extreme to the other, following stupid, restrictive diets that made me feel miserable and guilty whenever I ate something ‘bad’. I avoided some social situations because I was “trying to eat healthy” and didn’t want to feel judged by everyone else. If I did end up going out and eating something that I wasn’t ‘allowed’ or ’supposed’ to, I would get myself into such a hysterical state that I’d just shut down because it was easier than facing the pressure of striving to be skinny and knowing that I never would be.
I so desperately wanted to have that thing that everyone else seemed to have.
Someone to want me. To spend time with me. To love me.
But I didn’t deserve this. I wasn’t good enough. Who on earth would want me?
For so many years, I put myself through this crap. The constant stream of self-critical thoughts playing over and over in my mind was slowing destroying me, and not a day went by where I wouldn’t beat myself up internally about something ridiculous. Focusing all of my thoughts and attention on the parts of my life that I hated and wanted to change only made my problems worse. This destructive pattern needed to stop. I was wasting so much time and energy thinking horrible things about myself, but for what? Why was I doing this to myself and putting myself under so much pressure and stress?